


In Which Castiel is Not Perfect

by PuppiesRainbowsSadism



Series: I Am [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Sam, Supportive Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-22 20:53:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7453591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PuppiesRainbowsSadism/pseuds/PuppiesRainbowsSadism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel has a panic attack. He can't protect Sam forever.</p><p>((Could be Sastiel or gen))</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Castiel is Not Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS: Panic attack. Anxiety related to someone else's mental illness. Some not-so-positive thoughts directed towards a mentally ill person. Low self-worth and high self-standards.

Castiel is having a panic attack.

This has never happened before – he’s never had one, nor has he seen one happen to someone else. He doesn’t know what to do. Anxiety is something that Cas has never had a problem with before.

But now he’s fallen to his knees in his room, trying to put his head between his legs like he learned is supposed to help, but all he succeeds in doing is getting closer and closer to the floor until his forehead is pressed to the carpet.

One hand has been clutching his chest, clenching and unclenching his fist in the fabric of his shirt. Cas doesn’t notice. He’s trying to breathe, but his chest is tight and his lungs don't seem to be working.

He knows he can’t protect Sam forever. Someday, Cas will fail, or he won’t be there when Sam needs him. Someday, they’ll both go off to college – different universities, maybe even different states – and Cas won’t be able to sneak into Sam’s room to comfort him in the middle of the night. Cas can’t protect Sam forever, and someday, sooner rather than later,something terrible is going to happen because of it.

Breath is not coming any easier. He’s going to pass out at this rate.

Thank God Sam isn’t here. He’d be so worried. He’d do everything he could to help Cas, when Sam’s the one who actually needs help. Thank God Sam isn’t here because Cas needs to be strong, needs to watch out for Sam and be his rock as long as possible.

Castiel does not have anxiety. He’s not in denial about it; he generally does not feel any symptoms aligning with it. But the stress he puts himself through for Sam’s sake feels like a disease sometimes. Lord knows Castiel would never admit that, though. He can’t let it all be in vain.

Maybe he can’t protect Sam forever, but he can protect him now.

Cas tries desperately to pull himself together, and only succeeds after another twenty minutes, after imagining letting himself be cared for by the one person he cares about most.

**Author's Note:**

> This could technically be part of the I Am verse, which is why I connected it to the original fic. I didn't put it as a separate chapter for several reasons:
> 
> I Am, I Am, I Am focuses on Sam's point of view as he struggles with his mental health. In that fic, Castiel is depicted as a mostly unfailing friend and supporter. He gets scared for Sam, but he's strong. That fic is also hugely cathartic, for myself and some of those who read it.
> 
> In this chapter, Cas is depicted as much more human, and I didn't think it really fit in a series all about Sam's struggles, especially since he has some fairly negative thoughts about his and Sam's relationship.


End file.
